The Little Movement

I have been wringing my hands about the fact I have not written a blog for what seems like an age. Every time I think 'Well THAT is a blog waiting to happen' life kinda gets in the way and I just do not get round to doing it. Then something else happens that infuriates or inspires me and the last thing gets forgotten. I can assure you that in my head, there have been several ground breaking, breath taking, heart rending blogs that will never see the light of day. Mainly because I have forgotten them.

So instead of all that lost brilliance with which I would have blinded you all, I will tell you a story and it starts with my job, which if you didn't know, is waitressing. Not glamourous and to be honest, in the height of summer in a 400 year old building with no ventilation, frankly sweaty!

I started this particular job in 2011. 2012 was when I saw my first 'proper' vapouriser, in the hands of my bosses. She had a dinky ego thing with a carto on top and he a bloody great tank of some sort (I still do not know what it was). I had only seen cigalikes up till that point and was not the least bit interested. I was a roll-ups smoker so I had no association with a plastic cigarette whatsoever. These fancy shiny funky tank thingies were something else though. And they had all these lush flavours like caramel and cinnamon and stuff. I remember going home to enthuse to my hubby about these bonkers things I had seen, he looked at me like possibly I ought not to have driven myself home cos clearly I had drunk too much after work and was talking nonsense.

My interest was piqued though, so I sat at the PC and sought out the site my boss had told me about. Scared myself shitless and thought I would look again at some other point. I did, still had not got a clue what I was looking at, what the hell a boge cartomiser was or why I would want to punch one or what a coil was and why they came in 1.8ohms and 2.4ohms and WHAT THE HELL?!?! AM I BACK IN SCHOOL?!

If you have read my first blog you will know what eventually forced me to bite the bullet. If you haven't, then read it cos I am not going to explain again now. The Why, is here, the How is another matter. I sat staring at page after page of 'stuff', occasionally exclaiming to my husband 'What the hell is this? What does it do? Do we need one? Two?  I am going to do this!  I swear I am not leaving this seat until I have.  FFS WHAT IS 18MG AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Ok, I'll just make a coffee and look again. YES I KNOW IT IS 1 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING THANK YOU VERY MUCH!'.

Eventually I signed up to the forum for that vendor. Introduced myself and asked for help. And I got it, I got so much of it I felt a bit like crying. I was a fish out of water and I was stepping into what was clearly an established community, and they embraced me! I mean, I asked every moronic question you have ever heard. I even posted exactly what was in my basket to ask if it was right. All the things we have seen countless others do on our respective forums. They helped me. Supported me. Patiently explained what everything meant.

I ordered all the kit and knew that when it arrived I would be back on there asking what to do next. I felt safe doing that. I knew there would be friendly answers, 'how's it going's. I felt no pressure whatsoever and a group of strangers helped cement the idea in my mind that I was going to enjoy this! I was actually looking FORWARD to it. I have a lot to thank that forum for and although it is still going it is not very political so probably not reading this, but if any one of you are, please have my thanks and pass them on to those still active.

So why is this relevant? About a week ago someone who is not a vaper, but is an ardent supporter with basic knowledge, asked for help to buy a kit for a smoking friend. Among the ensuing emails between a small group of us, it came up just how confusing this can all be to the new person jumping in. Or, in this case, the person buying a vapouriser on behalf of someone else.

So I logged into that first forum tonight (just before writing that last paragraph) and revisited my first few posts. I almost do not recognise the person writing (apart from the stupid sense of humour which I seem to have lost along the way). My attitude towards myself as a smoker. What I wanted from vaping. That 'vapers tongue' that hits in the first few weeks that mean you can't taste anything. What can happen when you start on a VG blend. I remembered all the support as written above, but reading through it all, it was SO much more.

I have learnt a lot about myself and my habit in the past 21 months as I am sure we all have, whatever the length of our journey. However, I had forgotten what it was LIKE to be that person, first putting their toe into the water, how bewildered I was. I had forgotten JUST how fundamental that support was in my success. I was a fairly typical smoker for whom all the organised, sterilised support systems were never going to work. Irregardless of how good they were and we know there are good ones out there! I was not and am not exceptional, I was normal. There are millions like me.

Jump to this weekend at Vapefest and I am reminded again of what this community is. A beautiful soul of a man (@bobtherandom) sat at a picnic bench, whilst it tried to rain on us, with a butane powered soldering iron trying to fix my Evic.

Another friend (@twigolet) offering me the spare bed in her room to save me camping on my own, so I could go to the event. Why? Because that is what this community can do, it is what it does.

It is not just what happens online in forums and on Twitter or Facebook, it is every snatched conversation on the street or at work when a smoker asks a question and someone has an answer.

Vaping is a movement, millions of people who aren't even really aware of what they are a part of, but when called upon for help, they will give it. Not for anything in return, but cos they want to share and they understand. Despite the title (another PKD reference) there is nothing little about it.

THIS is what makes us all remarkable. Incredible even. I will link to three of my first threads for you to read, especially read the stories in the 2nd thread ( Shiny, Benefits, Weird.). Don't forget that this is how many of us started and many are now joining in the same way. Don't forget the help you might have needed at the very beginning and that each of us are essentially On Call for that moment when someone needs support. We shouldn't preach, we are not out to convert. This is not a religion and we are not zealots.

In amongst all the political wrangling, the blind ideological arguments we find ourselves fighting against, the anger, frustration and upset all this causes, don't forget to feel proud about what we are a part of.

When Jean-Francois Etter said 'You cannot stop a tsunami with a law', he was right.

The community is what drives that.

Thank you xx

Authors Note

The author in this case is not me, it's Philip K Dick. It was written about drug use & when I read this at 12 or 13 years old it had a profound impact on me. I'm not saying it mirrors what's going on, but I can't help but feel there are some similarities. Take from it what you will.

A SCANNER DARKLY

Author's Note

This has been a novel about some people who were punished entirely too much for what they did. They wanted to have a good time, but they were like children playing in the street; they could see one after another of them being killed -- run over, maimed, destroyed -- but they continued to play anyhow. We really all were very happy for a while, sitting around not toiling but just bullshitting and playing, but it was for such a terrible brief time, and then the punishment was beyond belief: even when we could see it, we could not believe it. For example, while I was writing this I learned that the person on whom the character Jerry Fabin is based killed himself. My friend on whom I based the character Ernie Luckman died before I began the novel. For a while I myself was one of these children playing in the street; I was, like the rest of them, trying to play instead of being grown up, and I was punished. I am on the list below, which is a list of those to whom this novel is dedicated, and what became of each.

Drug misuse is not a disease, it is a decision, like the decision to step out in front of a moving car. You would call that not a disease but an error in judgment. When a bunch of people begin to do it, it is a social error, a life-style. In this particular life-style the motto is "Be happy now because tomorrow you are dying," but the dying begins almost at once, and the happiness is a memory. It is, then, only a speeding up, an intensifying, of the ordinary human existence. It is not different from your life-style, it is only faster. It all takes place in days or weeks or months instead of years. "Take the cash and let the credit go," as Villon said in 1460. But that is a mistake if the cash is a penny and the credit a whole lifetime.

There is no moral in this novel; it is not bourgeois; it does not say they were wrong to play when they should have toiled; it just tells what the consequences were. In Greek drama they were beginning, as a society, to discover science, which means causal law. Here in this novel there is Nemesis: not fate, because anyone of us could have chosen to stop playing in the street, but, as I narrate from the deepest part of my life and heart, a dreadful Nemesis for those who kept on playing. I myself, I am not a character in this novel; I am the novel. So, though, was our entire nation at this time. This novel is about more people than I knew personally. Some we all read about in the newspapers. It was, this sitting around with our buddies and bullshitting while making tape recordings, the bad decision of the decade, the sixties, both in and out of the establishment. And nature cracked down on us. We were forced to stop by things dreadful.

If there was any "sin," it was that these people wanted to keep on having a good time forever, and were punished for that, but, as I say, I feel that, if so, the punishment was far too great, and I prefer to think of it only in a Greek or morally neutral way, as mere science, as deterministic impartial cause-and-effect. I loved them all.

Here is the list, to whom I dedicate my love:

To Gaylene - deceased
To Ray - deceased
To Francy - permanent psychosis
To Kathy - permanent brain damage
To Jim - deceased
To Val - massive permanent brain damage
To Nancy - permanent psychosis
To Joanne - permanent brain damage
To Maren - deceased
To Nick - deceased
To Terry - deceased
To Dennis - deceased
To Phil - permanent pancreatic damage
To Sue - permanent vascular damage
To Jerri - permanent psychosis and vascular
damage
...and so forth.

In Memoriam.

These were comrades whom I had; there are no better. They remain in my mind, and the enemy will never be forgiven. The "enemy" was their mistake in playing. Let them all play again, in some other way, and let them be happy.

The War with the Fnools PT 2

Thank you for joining me for the 2nd part of this bi-blog special. Part one is underneath this post.

Funnily enough, I am writing this part not long after Robert West's data appeared and the media went into meltdown. Most notably The Guardian. If you haven't already, read it now. That is not a request!

Back to the PHE meeting.....

We already have an idea of what The Chief Medical Officer, Special Scientific Advisor to the Governement, Dame Sally Davies, thinks of vaping thanks to this article in the New Scientist. However, I was not prepared for what I had to endure for her presentation. 

She is still having some aversion issues with using the word Vaping. It upsets her that word. So does 'vaping lounges' apparently. Sorry about that Sally (I'm not, 'grow up' springs to mind!). Her entire sermon seemed based on her power and influence which she was at pains to remind us about...over and over...

As CMO she 'is protecting the population',

She has 'written to all ministers as Senior Medical Advisor' (She verbally underlined that),

She is 'worried, and I tell you this as the head of this profession'.

There were a few more of these, but frankly I got bored of writing down her attempts to continually remind everyone that she is their Boss, that there is None Higher and because she is worried, we should all be worried. Cos she told us to be.

God Complex anyone?

A few other telling nuggets were;

'Horrified' that ecig packets could be emptied out and tobacco cigarettes could be put in.

Normalisation and Glamourisation were proved conclusively by her daughter (of undisclosed age) 'dragging' her to an e-cig display to show her 'how beautiful they were'. STOP PRESS! In light of this new evidence, I feel the only appropriate thing to do would be to redesign all e-cigarettes to look like turds. 

I think it is only reasonable, after all, smokers to do not deserve beautiful things. Aesthetically pleasing and tactile devices they might WANT to use. No no no, you must feel the shame of being medicated.

mmmmmm tempting

Then we got the classic,

'Willfully aimed at children, who wants flavours?'

Well actually, now that you mention it...

This was the sweet table at my wedding. Do you know who had the biggest bags of sugary loveliness? The adults. They stripped that table. (Yes, that is Hubba Bubba)

Bought these on Saturday - cos I like Sherbert & Liquorice.

I figured I might as well ask Twitter too...

Yeah so quite clearly, no one likes flavours.... Oh and do checkout www.cybercandy.co.uk and have a little looksie at all the product reviews. If you have time, you can message all those adults and tell them that they do not like flavoursome things after all and that maybe they would like some of those Dog Breath crisps that are so popular.

There is one thing that was said during her diatribe though. One thing that should define this woman as the menace to public health that she is. In her position as absolute authority for Public Health in this country, what do you think her message is to smokers? All 9 million smokers. For whom she does not want to allow the option of harm reduction, but also admits that NRT fails.

Her message?

'Smokers should just grow a backbone'.

And there it is. Quit Or Die in the starkest way I can possibly imagine. If you are not disgusted, you damn well should be. THIS is the callousness we knew existed, but did we realise that it sat RIGHT AT THE TOP? Advising government? Influencing the opinions of Public Health? It is repugnant. This woman cannot protect public health when as far as she is concerned 20% of the population can just die due to her unfathomable ignorance.

I have nothing further to say on this woman. Nothing.

So instead, lets touch briefly on McKee. 

'Cherry crush candy leads to smoking'

'Insecticide' 

He does 'not even know why were are having this discussion'

'We WILL catch up' with the forward thinking of New York and Australia. This is the future (and it really is not bright).

He was perplexed as to why a symposium on e-cigs was not covering Plain Packaging.

And then. Oh yes and then...what could Martin Mckee possibly say? What could a Professor in Public Health have to say when it is clear he has nothing? When the subject of nicotine use in pregnant women was raised, after it was made clear that NRT is of no use and nicotine of no real concern (by actual experts), what is the most inappropriate and desperate comment that could be made?

'That's what was said about Thalidomide'

The response to this was immediate, and unsurprisingly it was not good! People were heard to say 'disgusting'. This was boo'd, and rightly bloody so. 

For the record, Martin Mckee, you should be ashamed.

As such, I would like to present to you, ladies and gentlemen of the audience, The Fnools. Definitely not a typo, but a race of aliens in a short story I read many years ago by the genius Philip K Dick. The Fnools are 2ft high aliens hell bent on destroying humanity and taking earth for themselves. But thanks to their piddling height, were easy to spot and so were usurped at every corner. Their mistake was a simple one, they looked exactly like us, but had got the height wrong. Ironically, in the story, their undoing comes at the hand of Tobacco, Alcohol and Sex. One of these vices is discovered by them and immediately, they grow 2ft, to a still paltry 4ft, but nevertheless rather unnerving. The second vice adds another 2ft and so now they stand at 6ft and are perfectly hidden among us mere humans. Alas, with victory within reach, they encounter their 3rd vice, and unable to resist, find themselves standing at 8ft tall. Clear for all to see. The proverbial thumb. There is no hiding and they are clearly visible for what they are. Inhuman. Now easily targeted and destroyed.

The Fnools thought they were winning. and they went too far and exposed themselves. 

This is what we just witnessed. It is what every member of public health and tobacco control with a conscience and a genuine desire to do good (whether we agree on the methods or not) has just seen. Trust me, it is not just our stomachs that were turned. I would not be surprised if this behaviour was what broke the camel's back for Robert West. 

So maybe, we should say Thank You To Mckee, Davies and their ilk. They just did us a great favour.

The War with the Fnools pt 1

So, I was debating on how to go about this blog, after all,  there is rather a lot to say. So it is a two parter.

Oh, and no, it is not a typo, 'Fnools' will be explained in part 2.

Let me start by saying a Thank you to Public Health England. Whatever we might think or have thought about them, they did not have to to invite us into their space. Yes of course they should do, there are lots of things that should have happened, but that does not mean they have or will. I am genuinely grateful that we were given a seat and a voice. The agenda for the day, including speakers can be found here. Probably worth a quick look before starting this.

The best summary of the Public Health England Symposium, from our perspective, is this video here. Dave Dorn and myself were both present for the entire day, Oliver Kershaw was a guest panelist in the afternoon session. The link will take you to the VTtalk show we did together with Sav, on Sunday 18th May. I highly suggest you watch it if you have not already.

All in all, this was positive stuff. Very positive. Given the similarities between the pro-ecig, pro-harm reduction people speaking, I will give an overview.

-------

Tobacco control have made NO effort to utilise Harm Reduction. They are failing smokers; specifically smokers in manual professions and those suffering with mental illness.

Slide from Anne McNeill presentation.

The reduction in smoking rates are just not reflected in these groups, they remain largely unaffected by all that TC has done.

However, the impact that e-cigs are having are unprecedented. In 30 years, Anne McNeill had seen nothing like this happen. This year we have seen a leveling out of e-cigarette use in ALL socioeconomic groups.

This might be stuff that we realise, but from a PH perspective, this is dreams coming true! Slide from McNeill presentation.

Allowing NRT to be sold Over The Counter without the behavioural support offered by cessation services was a mistake. A mistake that cost lives.

Disallowing Europeans the option of Snus as Harm Reduction was a mistake. A mistake that cost lives. The success of snus in Sweden comes from the easy availability. Smokers are making a choice at the point of sale.

Snus in action. From John Britton presentation.

Tobacco Control and Public Health are being misinformed and misled by poor peer review and Press releases of studies that do not reflect the data contained within the study itself.

E-cigs are being subjected to unjustified panic led scrutiny. If this same scrutiny were to be applied to Plain Packaging, it would not be going ahead!

If the entire population used Nicotine the health impacts would be negligible. The health implications of nicotine use in pregnant women is of 'no significant concern'. NRT has had NO impact in this area (Most recently shown here).

'These things need to be available anywhere tobacco is', in fact, they need to be everywhere. Marketing needs to be clever, aimed at adults and promoting vaping. 'Social media marketing is essential'. It is entirely possible that Public Health have scored an own goal by allowing advertising to be solely from a lifestyle product perspective.

The media coverage has been hysterical and disproportionate. 'Diabetics and suffers of Heart Disease are now too frightened to use e-cigs'.

'Peoples lives are at stake.'

'No renormalisation of smoking, only normalisation of vaping.'

'The evidence is going the opposite way to what PH and TC are saying.'

'E-cigs are already having the desired effect.'

And finally, this point was made by Martin Dockrell, with passion and very pointedly at every individual present in the room. It was an instruction.

'Talk to vapers!'

All of the above may look like common sense to us. This is what we have been shouting about for all this time. We know all this. But, NONE of this was said by us. This came from Robert West, Anne McNeill, Martin Dockrell and John Britton. The frustration was palpable. The irritation at the risk aversion coming from within their own field. The above might not look all that significant, or unusual, because it's what we already know. But it is! Yes, they have safety concerns. Yes, they want to understand what is causing toxins; is it the fluid or the heating? Yes, they are concerned about poor nicotine delivery from substandard devices putting people off.

Aren't we concerned about these things too?

Are these concerns enough to stop this in it's tracks?

Our answer? No!
Their answer? No!

But, my favourite picture from the entire day. The moment that made me say 'Shit - they've got it! They've finally got it!' and grab Dave Dorn's arm, was this from John Britton, and the caption is his, not mine.

NRT does not do this.

A happy smiling smoker. An attractive, normal woman. Smoking. They admitted that NRT just is not going to cut it. It has an image problem. He looks at us with our vibrant and strong community and then states 'There is no NRT community' to the room - and the room laughed!

Now this is all very positive, and a mere shapshot of the great bits from the day. There is more, of course there is more, but I am going to put it into part 2. It is a bit more...uh...ranty...

I will close this part with this...WE were a part of this change. Our persistence, our knowledge and our passion. We have not shut up and it looks like it is finally working. If for even a single second you think that it has all been for nothing, you are wrong. It has taken a long time, we are exhausted and the battle is still not over, but I think we all deserve a MASSIVE pat on the back. A year ago we were staring defeat in the face. The obliteration of all of this. I have lost count of the amount of times I have found somewhere quiet in my house to sit and cry where my children can't hear me. The sheer overwhelming frustration that They are just not getting it, they are not listening and are ignoring the impact of what they are trying to do.

Well that might be changing and we have played a huge part in that. Now the data is showing that we were right and they want to listen.

Congratulations :)

Part two coming shortly - and it is cross.

The Invisible Smoker

Earlier on this year, I tweeted about a conversation I had been coerced into in the pub. My poor suffering husband is bored crapless of my endless witterings about this whole situation, but when out in the wider world, people are hugely interested. Try as I might to just enjoy sitting with my friends and have a pint, it is inevitable that at some point, someone will crack a joke about my Sonic Screwdriver then mention some nonsense about something they have heard on the radio or read in the news from a trusted source (Yes BBC, I am looking at you!). My heart has a little sink and the shoulders slump a bit when this happens and what I want to say is 'Do you REALLY want to get into this now? I mean, I will, but...really? Now?'

Do not get me wrong, I spend most of my waking hours thinking about all of this, but I have three kids, I do not get to the pub very often!! There is SO MUCH now - so very very much to try and explain to the uninitiated. Where do you start? How do you not sound like a tin hat wearing loon? Really, people need to know what the bottom line is. Why this matters.

Here is the bottom line.

This happened in January with a group of friends, all never smokers but for one current smoker, Greyburn. Greyburn is in his 60's. A funny, intelligent, recovered alcoholic. He is vibrant, bursting with character and a joy to be around (also has a penchant for red corduroy trousers). His remaining vice is smoking. After quite a lengthy debate about the current ecig situation, with no disagreement on the absurdity of it all, Greyburn pops outside for a ciggy with his non smoking wife. I follow to have a vape (the pub overlooks the sea and the waves were massive that night, so it was an excuse to go look). After a minute or so of wave watching, Greyburn leans over to me, almost conspiratorially, and says,

 'I think you might have converted me!'

'Really??' I stuttered and explained that I wasn't trying to. It is a golden rule for me - never try to convert.

'No' he says 'I really am interested'.

I offer to write down a few links and pertinent terms for him to talk to Google about, then wander back into the pub, a little shell shocked. A moment later, his wife catches up with me, grabs my arm, pulls me down to her level and whispers in my ear that in all the time she had known him, he had never once even mentioned the 'Q' word and she could not believe what she had overheard outside.

Two days later, I had a phone call from Greyburn. His kit had arrived and would one of us mind popping over to see him to help him figure it all out.

I saw him for the first time since, this Saturday, 3 months or so later. I had no intention of bringing up ecigs, whether it had worked for him or otherwise. I didn't need to, it was the first thing he mentioned. After his purchase, he finished off the baccy he had, and has not picked up any since. In fact, and here is the interesting bit, he loses his ecig for days at a time 'cos it looks like a pen and gets lost in my desk'. And guess what - it does not bother him a bit. Not a single bit.

This man had NO motivation to stop smoking. None at all. This man had never visited a cessation clinic. Never picked up a patch, popped a pill or puffed on a plastic period plug.

Greyburn is the Invisible Smoker.

Yes yes, you might well point out that there is no such thing anymore as thanks to hysterical and aggressive demonisation and denormalisation, smokers have never been MORE visible than they are now. Elements of our wonderous, well paid, highly influential Tobacco Control community, have successfully segregated an entire section of society. I feel sure this has been done before....

So why is Greyburn, and millions like him, invisible?

Let's jump ahead, past the implentation of the TPD, past public bans, flying right over the WHO and their precious FCTC and the shoehorning of ecigs into it. Let  us settle in a pub. Let us assume that the WHO and its minions out in the world have succeeded in all their aims. A group of friends, one of whom is a smoker. How different could this conversation be then? How cemented into the public psyche could it be that ecigs are as 'dangerous as tobacco'. How likely is it even, that someone will be using a 2nd or 3rd generation device? Will there still be advocates or will we have all been beaten into submission, great swathes of rules and laws smothering our ability to talk freely, use our mods. We could so easily be back outside, huddled with the smokers, being sneered at. Derided. Lied about. Propagandised against.

Demonised!

The conversation I had this year, may not be possible in this version of the future. 

Greyburn is Invisible because Tobacco Control will never be able to touch him. They will never talk to him. They will never understand him.There will be no contact, no cessation clinic for him. For them, he does not exist, he is collateral damage. No amount of banning, tax increases, being put in stocks and having rotten vegetables thrown at him in the town square, will make a damned bit of difference to Greyburn.

The conversation, over a pint, in a pub is what made the difference.

The insane, dribble flecked rantings of the out of touch, control freak zealotry of what looks more and more like a cultish religion in the aloof elements of Public Health did this. The castrating and devaluing those who do not subscribe to their teachings and dogma made him interested. Those whose gods should be seen only in the sterile cardboard boxes adorned with the names of their Makers printed clearly upon their sides. But we embrace false idols and for this we must be punished. The likeness of our habit comparable only to the devil itself - tobacco. We must be cast from society - branded and humiliated. The modern day heretic, punished with death to warn others of the danger we present to The Clean. The innocent. The children. The Believers. Our clouds of bubblegum scented vapour the tool to strike fear into the very hearts of those around us.

Greyburn looked upon you with the contempt you deserve. Your pathetic behaviour had no effect on him. You may think that 63% of smokers want to quit because they told you they did, but all that really tells you, is that 37% were brave enough to say they don't! And let me tell you this, there are many more in that 63% who do not want to either, but they are the abused of the society you created. Too scared to speak out, but they are not stopping either.

There are a growing number among you who realise this, that there will always be smokers who want help but there are a great many who do not. More importantly, NONE of them deserve what you have done and are continuing to do. There is great respect out there for those that understand that smokers need to be given their dignity back. The bullying must stop and society at large needs to understand that if they then choose to consume nicotine in a safer manner, there is nothing to be scared of. Nicotine is not Beelzebub come to drag The Children to an eternity of damnation, presided over by the evil barons of tobacco companies. Your restrictive vision is far closer to theirs than you care to admit. As are the distasteful practices for which they are so well known. The lines are being blurred and historians will look back at this point in time and wonder where theirs end and yours start.

There are around 9 millions smokers in the UK alone. How many are you prepared to spite for not subscribing to your mantras?

How many of them are invisible, just like Greyburn?

Everything in life is only for a while - PKD

My name is Lorien. And I am a nicotine addict.

I feel that is how I should start this, as though I am sat in some kind of self-help meeting of similarly addicted and addled adults. Tangling my fingers in my hair and staring at the floor hopelessly. Battling to get through my daily life, carrying my burden around with me like the proverbial monkey.  Flailing about helplessly beneath its weight, sobbing into my pillow at night wondering when the pain and misery is going to end.  Drowning in self-pity at all the friends I have lost along the way, the determination to maintain my habit having driven them all from me. Oh woe and horror is me. BEGONE DEVIL BEGONE!

So let us start again, and properly.

My name is Lorien. I am a vaper.

I do not battle with anything. I am not miserable and I do not mourn the decisions I have made or the habit I maintain. I smoked for 23 years and I loved it (mostly) and I have vaped for 14 months and actually love it even more. And so what? There is something people need to understand. I was not ill as a smoker and I am not ill as a vaper. I CHOSE to smoke and equally I choose to vape. Like any smoker I spent years and years being bullied and cajoled by those in public health. Then feeling they alone were not having enough of an impact they widened their net and ensnared others to expand their crusade;  family were encouraged to join in. A little more stretching saw friends get drawn into the routine of harassment.  Then the final blow, random people in the street, or customers at my workplace feeling, they too, could comment on my lifestyle.  If they did not feel brave enough to comment, they would sigh, tut or sneer.  Welcome to the world of the smoker. State sanctioned bullying that creeps into every aspect of your life.

Here is the thing; most smokers hear all this on an almost daily basis, and do you know what the smoker is doing in their head? Giving the health bully a big fat heartfelt and impassioned finger! And well they might.

I made the switch to an electronic cigarette in November 2012 as, very briefly, it came to light that my 12yr olds best friend thought that smoking was the coolest thing in the world. Now, I will defend an adults right to smoke, but I could not bear the idea of a 12 year old thinking that at his age, it was cool. So I bought an e-cig; what we call a 2nd generation device. It looks something like a fountain pen and I could chop and change the flavours of the refill liquid as I pleased. As it happens, my first flavour was caramel apple pie and I loved it thank you very much. From that first moment in my garden, it worked for me. I preferred the taste, the experience on the inhale and exhale was not so dissimilar that I would not be able to adjust.

That was the day of my last ciggy. Did I wave it goodbye? Did I build a pyre and send it off down the river with ceremonial chanting ‘I am not a smoker I am not a smoker’, dancing and general merriment? Balloons and streamers, an announcement on the local radio station? Hire an airplane to write across the sky?  No. I just chucked my baccy in the bin and was done with it. No pressure, no panic and no dreaded ‘Q’ word. (NB to public health; seriously, stop using that word! It does more harm than good now.)

So if I was so committed a smoker of tobacco, a failed multiple trier of patches and gums, a reader of smoking self-help books, why did it work so well? After all, I did not really expect it to and it was something of a surprise. It is because I realised that I could continue the habit that I enjoyed so much, but this time, it came with a world of delightful and tasty flavours. I could choose how strong I wanted my nicotine, I could customise my experience with different devices, fiddle with the settings so I could have more or less vapour. Tinker with the heat to suit the flavour I was using. Above all, I could do all of these things and be doing significantly less damage to myself and none to those around me.

What is not to like? 

Well, a lot if you are a member of some parts of Public health, or an ex-smoker with the 'I managed to *insert Q word* cold turkey so I, in my superiority, deem you dirty and pathetic and forever beholden to your addiction’ attitude. Or never smoker politician or the kind of ‘well I don't like it so ALL MUST CEASE AND DESIST’ person who feels the need to stand in judgement of everyone else.  That is all another matter though and not the purpose of this letter. Though for the record, there are more than 90 studies into the safety of e-cigs and no evidence anywhere on this entire planet that shows our darling teenagers are turning to tobacco after standing within a mile of someone vaping. In fact, why those publicly funded health groups continue to peddle the line ‘but we just don’t know’ is quite beyond me. So, those people can sit in their ivory towers proclaiming to all and sundry what we must and must not be doing and how we should be doing it, safe in the knowledge that we all stopped listening a long time ago.

If I had a regret, it was not standing up for myself as a smoker, so I am doing it doubly so now as a vaper. There is nothing wrong with me. I do not need medicating. I am not ill. I am not a scourge on society. We vapers (and smokers) have jobs, families, children and even pets; all the same things that you non-smoking/vaping types do. Can you believe it, pets indeed! 

Nicotine is not the devil incarnate. It does not impair my judgment, make me violent, create a dangerous driver. It has no more a detrimental effect on society than the caffeine in your coffee and significantly less than the alcohol in your glass of red wine. I am not harming anyone at all and if I have to hide away how will any smoker get the chance to ask me‘What on earth is that? A Sonic Screwdriver?’ or ‘You smoked for 23 years? But you don't look old enough!’ (Ok, I might have made that last one up).

So,

 Dear Public Health. I tried your patches. I chewed your gum. I sucked on your pathetic tampon inhaler and I watched someone I love suffer at the hands of your smoking pills. Your expensive and well marketed lies did not work and in the end I found something that did. I did it myself, I have paid for it myself with not a drop of tax payer money spent! I do not need your help and I do not think I ever did. Stop acting like a petulant child just because you did not ‘cure’ me. You have turned into a caricature, the bully in the playground trying to turn all the other kids against me because I did not want to join your bland, boring, joyless, insipid, fat free, sugar free, nicotine free, alcohol free party.

Lots of love, hugs and kisses, someone who already has a Nan.

To everyone else, think of me when you boil the kettle in the morning for that tea or coffee you 'need' to start the day, or settle down in the evening with a glass of your favourite tipple after your hectic day at work or with the kids. Please stop throwing around the word addiction and consider what it really means to those that genuinely suffer with it, whose daily lives are ruled by it. Do not ask me when I am going to give this up, because I might just ask when you are going to give up your caffeine or your glass of wine.

Then, just ponder for a moment how you will feel when the health police are banging on YOUR door.

Well here it is. I finally gave in and on the sage advice of a Mr Bates, made my very own blog. 'It's cathartic' he told me.

Well we shall see about that, but I suspect he is right. You are unlikely to find fisking here, Jo does that. Nor are you going to find reviews and sleuthdom, Matt does that. Christopher Snowden and Dick Puddlecote have intensely well researched libertarian observation covered, and no one can break down the absurdities of regulation like Clive Bates can.

Me? You are just going to get what I think and tomorrow morning I will put up my first proper entry. A letter I wrote to the wider world a while ago which niggles at me each time I turn on my laptop.

"What was the point in writing me if no one is going to read me?"

Well, I assume it is the letter I can hear in my head and not just 'some other voices'.

Guess we will find out in the morning when I put it up.